September 6, 2012

I started my period today – and boy am I excited!  I never thought I would be excited to start my period, usually I dread it – but in this case, I’m really excited!  I called the doctors office and let my nurse know I had started.  She set up an appointment for me tomorrow morning for my first set of blood work and an ultrasound!  I’m so excited!  I will meet with a nurse tomorrow morning and she will tell me about my dosing for injections that will start tomorrow!  It’s so exciting!

I also received my giant box of medications today!  It’s an 8 lb. box – what does that tell you?!  I had to review it and unpack it and boy will I look like a druggie!  I’ve got all kinds of vials and needles and syringes.  Whew!  I will be starting the shots tomorrow evening after I talk with the nurse!  Wish me luck!  It will mean 2 injections a day for a little while.

September 2, 2012

Yesterday was a big day for me. We took the IVF class in the morning which was really informational. There were about 6 couples there. We all will be doing IVF eventually.  Travis and I are so excited!  We learned more about the process.  What it will look like, how long it might take, how to mix medication, and how to give yourself or your partner injections.

That last part was important especially because I was going to be starting the blood thinner injections that day.  I went home ready to take on the world of self-administered injections.

So, last night, I gave myself my first injection.  It wasn’t as big of a deal as I had originally thought it would be! I was pretty happy about that!  It didn’t even hurt as bad as I thought it would!  Whew!

August 26, 2012

A few days ago, Travis went in to the clinic to pay for our round of IVF. I had a work meeting so I was unable to attend. We had already done genetic testing to make sure we were not carriers for anything crazy, but we knew we wanted some advanced testing done for both chromosomal abnormalities as well as gender.  Our fertility clinic only allows gender testing for family planning.  Well, we only want two children, one boy and one girl. Our hope is that one male and one female embryo would be implanted and whichever one took (assuming one does) would be great, and the following time we would only implant the opposite gender. 

When Travis got to the gender/chromosomal testing, he told them we wanted to test for gender, and was told we could not do that because we did not have any children already, and they only use it for family planning (if you have 5 girls and want a boy – or if you would pass down a genetic disease to your boy and only wanted girls as a result). Travis called me and asked if I had talked to our nurse about it and I mentioned we had talked about it, but didn’t know if we had really discussed it in depth. Travis asked me to call the nurse and see what they had to say and that we would figure it out and pay when we needed to.

About 30 minutes later Travis called me again. Our doctor came in to discuss the situation with him. The doctor said it was only used for family planning, and Travis told him that is what we wanted. We wanted to implant one male, one female – in hopes of getting pregnant with one – and then implant the one that did not take the next time so we could have one of each. We were not concerned with having  a boy or a girl first, but we only wanted two children and wanted to have one of each – hopefully using frozen embryos if possible – so we don’t have to do IVF entirely again.

Apparently, Travis and I are the first people in the history of the clinic to come up with that scenario. The doctor was surprised, but liked our logic, and we were given the approval to do the gender testing. At the same time we will be doing the chromosomal testing. Doing such, will make it so the embryos we implant, are more likely to take because they will be healthier. Most embryos with chromosomal abnormalities are miscarried – so this could be really good for us. 

The process is quite crazy though. After my eggs have been retrieved and fertilized, between day three and day five they implant. To do the genetic and gender testing they take a small sample of each embryo that is to be tested on day five, it is immediately transported to the testing center in Michigan (I guess they fly it there?) where it is tested, evaluated, and the results sent to the doctor electronically – and the embryos (I guess technically they are blastocytes by then) are implanted. All of that in ONE day?!  Can you believe it?  The chances are likely that there will be fewer embryos on day five, but that is okay – because hopefully they are stronger and are more likely to take. 

I have had mixed reactions from the very few we have told about this – people telling me we are playing God by trying to choose gender, or by checking for chromosomal abnormalities – to those people I say, we have this technology for a reason. If this were 20 years ago, Travis and I would not be able to get pregnant at all because ICSI wasn’t invented until the early 90’s. We are not customizing a baby by choosing blonde hair and blue eyes – we are trying to create a healthy baby that we would otherwise not have, using the science and technology available to us. I have no problems with that. If you do, please stop reading. Please don’t say anything to me about it. Your opinion is just that, your opinion.

August 25, 2012

Since December of 2011, we have worked to save money. Mind you, Travis’ business did not get paid until April this year – and he is making less since the company is paying back the money we paid for the lawsuit. It has been super frustrating. I have been baby hungry for the past two years – and it doesn’t help that I’m 31 years old now. I had always thought I would have my family before I turned 30. I don’t know why I thought that, I just did – maybe because my mom had her kids by 30.  But, being 31 and childless, is scary because there is an increased likelihood of having a child with disabilities when you have children after 35… I work with people with disabilities in my professional life, I don’t think I could do it both professionally and personally. Besides, I’ve seen what it has done to marriages – and quite honestly, it scares me.  I told Travis this in June – I asked him for a date. When could we expect to do IVF, if at all.  We decided we would be able to pay to start a cycle in September 2012!  Yes, that is next month. Technically, we would be starting in about 12 days.

In order to prepare to do so, we have done a lot of work looking at our finances, paying off credit cards, saving money, not spending as much, the list goes on and on. But we did a lot of preparation physically as well. We have both been poked and prodded… me more than Travis… We did what seemed like a million blood tests. Travis had a semen analysis, and I had several ultra sounds – this way we could make sure everything was functioning the way it should be. Our final “test” was to go see a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor.

We got the referral a couple of weeks ago, and I called to schedule an appointment right away. I was told the soonest the MFM could see me, was mid-September. I made the appointment and got off the phone and immediately started to cry. That would be another full month before we could do IVF – and the phone rang. They told me the doctor was in the following afternoon, which was unusual for him, and asked if I could make it then. I told them I would be there! Whew!

The MFM was extremely nice. We waited for quite a while before our appointment – I think we sat in the waiting room for an hour before we went to the office. Eventually, the doctor came in and met with us, and paid full attention to us. We discussed my medical history (the blood clot really), and the process of IVF, and he informed me I would need to begin taking a drug called Lovenox daily, beginning September 1^st. This is a blood thinner, and would hopefully keep me from clotting throughout the hormone therapy and through a hopeful pregnancy. It is an expensive drug, so we are lucky to have insurance to help pay for it (until the beginning of the year when we would need to hit our deductible again). He then told me he would love to see me throughout my entire pregnancy – which made me feel really good. He was very nice and Travis and I both enjoyed seeing him. I think if we get pregnant, we will definitely see him. It would be nice not to have to explain the blood clot again!

We went to Harmons the following day to pick up the prescription. 3 giant boxes of injectable medication – yup, I will be giving myself daily shots before the hormone therapy, through a pregnancy, and between 6-8 weeks after giving birth… That’s almost a full year of daily injections! Bleh!  Actually, I guess when you’re closer to your due date, they change the Lovenox to Heparin, which is a twice daily injectable. That would allow me to have an epidural if I wanted/needed to. Yay for shots!  I start them a week from today. I’m nervous about it, but I guess if it gives us the intended results we want – I’ll go for it!

August 21, 2012

Travis and I have been married for 3 ½ blissful years. Through our entire marriage, we have wanted and tried to get pregnant. We want to have a family, a small family (2 kids), but a family none the less. About a year and a half ago I went to my annual “Lady” appointment, and my doctor came in and said, ‘You aren’t pregnant yet?’ and immediately I started to cry.  No, we weren’t pregnant but wanted to be desperately. In fact, my cycle was crazy and unpredictable. She told me that she could put me on birth control to get me pregnant, but that it wasn’t a good idea given my previous blood clot problems. Instead, she put me on a medication used for people who are pre-diabetic (which I am not), but also good for women with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) which she thinks I probably have. She said it would regulate my cycle, and often times helps women get pregnant. She told me that if it didn’t work, and I lost a large amount of weight and still didn’t get pregnant, she could help me further.

I left that appointment happy and discouraged at the same time. I realize I need to lose weight, I do… and I try… I lose about 30 lbs and then I plateau, get discouraged and ultimately give up. Plus, nobody notices my 30 lb. loss which is a huge kick in the privates! I decided, I would join weight watchers again and hopefully be able to get pregnant quickly.

A couple of months later my friend told me she was seeing a Nurse Midwife who didn’t care about your size, and thought people should be able to get pregnant regardless. I was excited, so I made an appointment and Travis went with me. I met the CNM who took blood and told me to come back on certain days of my cycle. I asked him if we could have Travis tested initially as well due to some medical issues. He said it was fine, and set another appointment for a couple of weeks later.

We went to our next appointment excited to hear what the CNM had to say. He came in to see us, and said, “These are the worst test results I’ve ever seen. On a scale of 1-10 in fertility, you guys would get a 2. I can’t do anything to help you. You need to see someone else.” We sat there in silence, stunned. Both, at the news, but also at the way it was delivered. We were humiliated, and devastated at the same time. How could someone who wants people to have babies, treat people like that?  We left discouraged. But I was determined to find someone to help us.

I had several friends talk about having been to the Reproductive Care Center for fertility treatment, and all had good things to say about it. I called my insurance to see if they covered any fertility treatment (obviously they cover NOTHING), and then decided to go in for a consultation. 

In November 2011, Travis and I met with Dr. James Heiner for a consultation.  He was really nice, and extremely honest. Was my weight a problem?  Yes, but he asked me to lose 5 lbs. DONE! Was our testing a problem? Yes, but it didn’t mean things were hopeless.  He told us it was possible for us to get pregnant. Our best (and only) option, was to do In Vitro Fertilization, with the help of ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection), and with those two things, we had about a 40% chance of getting pregnant! 40% doesn’t sound like a lot, but when on average the normal person has a 17% chance of getting pregnant each month, and we only had a 0.01% chance of getting pregnant on our own – I’ll take 40% any day!

Travis and I were so excited that it was even possible! We met with the Nurse who gave us all of the information regarding what the process of IVF looks like, and we told her we wanted to do it, so we were told we would be given a calendar for the new year. We were going to try and get pregnant in January or February, and we were excited. We then met with a lady from the financial department, who showed us the cost for IVF and ICSI ($20k+). We were so excited, and figured if we liquidated some of our assets and saved for a couple of months, we could make it work!

We were confident we could make it work. So, we told our families. “We met with a specialist who told us our only option for having a child is to do IVF”.  Our family’s response? “When will you do it?”  “As soon as we can save $20k.”   I think part of us hoped our families would volunteer to help - $20k is a HUGE chunk of money!  However, the only person to offer money is my brother. He has a young family, and offered to loan us his tax return. We thanked him for his generous offer, but could never take money from him and his cute family! 

In December, we were waiting to find out our schedule for In Vitro so we could make arrangements to pay for IVF – when we received some bad news.  Travis’ business had hit a rough patch. One of his business partner’s clients had decided to sue the business because she had lost A LOT of money! The loss of money was devastating, sure, everyone lost money in the market crash. However, she had not been taking their advice, and rather than waiting for the market to rebound – she decided to pull out a bunch of her investments, resulting in a loss of money. Their company has a contract with clients stating they will go through arbitration rather than court – to settle any legal issues.  However, arbitration costs upwards of $75k and since they are a new company – they don’t have the assets to pay for arbitration. Instead, their backing company determined they should settle at $25k.  The company didn’t have $25k sitting around at the time – which meant, we had to use the money we had set aside for IVF, to pay for this lawsuit.  I was devastated.  I cried more than I had ever cried before. It would take us forever to save up $25k now… Poor Travis felt horrible and responsible, even though it wasn’t his fault. We did not tell our family we had the money to do it, and we didn’t tell our family about the lawsuit either. We kept quiet so we didn’t have to disappoint anyone other than ourselves.  It was a difficult time for us, but we got through it.

Hoping for the best

I haven't "officially blogged" in almost one year. I have however, written several posts and saved them because I wasn't sure if I wanted to post them or not. I think I am in a place, where I want to. I am realistic in the fact that my blog is maybe read by one or two people - and since it's been so long I'm sure people have stopped looking - and I'm okay with that. I know the intended purpose behind a blog is to have people read it, but for me - right now, I just want to put something out into the universe and hope something good comes back to me. So, as you see the excessive amount of "posts" coming - know they are dated for the day I wrote them and while it's been a few months, the feelings are still fresh. The wounds are still tender. I am still broken. But I'm hoping for the best.

March Already...

I haven't blogged in forever - It's not that I decided to not be Thankful anymore (although I have my days) - I just stopped. I'm not much busier than I was then - I'm still at my same job, plus attending school (online), and getting ready to teach at UVU again this summer...

But things changed in our lives. We are still madly in love and happy - we just want to make a few changes in our lives (adding a family member, being healthier) - but being a part-owner in a financial business kind of sucks. Travis' business is doing well - but only being paid quarterly is a little of a downer. Luckily, my pay covers everything we need.

Since I last blogged - we had Christmas and Brian, Sarah, Austin, and Conner came for Christmas - Yay! It was a lot of fun! Santa came and saw the boys on Christmas Eve and they were so happy! We spent New Years Eve with some friends. And we just celebrated 3 years of wedded bliss. We spent our anniversary in Las Vegas where I attended and presented at a work conference. We also got to see Brian, Sarah, Austin, and Conner - and Austin announced he is going to have a baby sister and she has a heart beat. Sarah is pregnant, but they don't know if they're having a girl or a boy yet - wishful thinking on Austins part. Being around them makes me so happy, and so sad at the same time. I wish they lived closer so we could spend more time with them. Especially if we end up not being able to have one of our own - it would be nice to get to steal those little ones on a regular basis.

I would say that I'll try and blog more often - but let's be honest. I do well for a few months and then nothing. So... I'll just say that I'll keep in touch. Maybe that will work better.