It's hard to believe that Travis and I have been married for four years now! The time really has flown by so quickly! We are in a really good place both personally and in our marriage - we are both happy and love each other immensely. In fact, I fall in love with him more and more every day. I feel so lucky to have him by my side.
I know that the last few blogs have been kind of negative - and I hope that I don't come off as a seriously crazy person - but I feel as though I have changed in the last month or two. As I mentioned previously, I started attending therapy in November last year. The therapist was fine and I felt like we were making some progress - but I felt like the fit wasn't exactly right. She treated me like a patient and not a fellow therapist - which is wonderful. But at the same time, when I would say something like, "I understand why you want to use that technique, but that does not mesh with my style, can we try something else?" she would always tell me that I needed to be open to her style and work with her. I get it... I do... but eventually, she talked so much that I started making lists of things I needed to do later that day during our sessions, so I stopped seeing her at the end of December/beginning of January. At the end of January, I decided I needed to go back to therapy. I just felt like I needed someone else to talk to - so I started researching again. I came across a therapist that I felt like would be good - and called to make an appointment, which happened later that evening and immediately I knew she would be the perfect therapist for me!
Not only does she understand me as a person, but also as a clinician myself. During our initial meeting she told me, "You are a therapist, and you know what works for you - so if I ever ask you to do a homework assignment, or try a technique that you know isn't going to work - just let me know. We don't want to waste your time or mine, and you know yourself better than I do - so let's figure things out together." I can't tell you how much I like her, and how much work I feel like i've done in the last month and a half or so. I feel like I'm in a better place emotionally.
Poor Travis keeps saying, "I wish I could make you happy, so you didn't need therapy." The truth is, I don't NEED therapy, I'm not crazy, I'm not in a co-dependent relationship, I'm not (name any other reason people go to therapy) Really, I just needed someone to help me sort out my feelings and figure out why I feel the way I feel, and help change some of those perpetually negative thoughts I have. These are things I can (and do) share with Travis, or a friend - but sharing them with someone who understands me and "the process" has been amazing! I feel like a different person!
Like I said before - it's been four amazing years that Travis and I have been married. I used to think that our relationship would be that much stronger when we had children... but, in the past four years, we have been through things that have strengthened our relationship in other ways. Don't get me wrong, I want to have a family with Travis - we both want to have children. But if for some reason we don't... I will be sad of course, but it won't break me. I have Travis, and he has me. We love each other so much, and are extremely supportive of each other. I know we will be okay with or without children. We will be happy with each other. It doesn't mean it won't hurt when other people get pregnant. It doesn't mean I won't hope for a positive, but be sad every time a negative pops up on the pregnancy test. It just means that it isn't the end of my world... My world will just be a little different than I had planned - and I think I'm okay with that.