Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Apparently I didn't ruin things! Luckily! I was pretty worried for a while there. I talked with D. earlier this week and he apologized for not getting back to me sooner and said that I wasn't really pressuring him - but that he felt pressure in general. I can live with that! We are friends now and that's where it stays for the time being. I'm completely relieved but seriously annoyed at the same time. Part of me wishes he would have just cut it all off to save myself the pain and agony of dealing with the unknown - but the other part of me knows how much I like the boy - and how I feel when I'm around him so I'm grateful for the hope... Damn hope! I haven't brought up hanging out although he did in a vague way. I guess time will tell - and let's be honest - I've got all the time in the world! Screw everyone and their opinions of unmarried girls in their late 20's... I'm getting my education and while I'll never make loads of money - I'll make a difference! And who knows if I would have been able to do that if things had been different... and I don't ever want to know if they would have. I am finally content!
Monday, November 19, 2007
I swear it's always getting me into trouble! I blame it on school! Let me back up - I had a heated texting conversation with D the other day. I asked how he felt about something he said fine but also said something that kind of annoyed me and when I asked about it further he said he felt like I was pressuring him... Me - pressuring him??? I don't get it! I'm not the pressuring type - I just need some stinking communication - is that so wrong? The problem is that I can't just get the feedback from him. I feel like I need to defend myself, and explain things - and find out why he feels pressured. The fact of the matter is - he feels pressured and I don't feel like i'm pressuring him... So I told him that I would leave it alone and if he wanted to talk he knew my number! I'm such a moron! Why did I do that? Who even knows! I wouldn't even be thinking about all this feeling and communication crap if I wasn't in school - and having to work on myself in order to learn how to work with people. It sucks! I don't want to be in touch with my feelings because then I want to know about other peoples feelings - and really - it's not my business how they feel. So when I find out - I get all butt hurt about it and then say something stupid! I always do that! So I felt horrible the entire night after saying that - I want to talk to him - I want to be friends with him... I shouldn't have said any of that! So I called to apologize and of course he didn't answer the phone - I can't say that I blame him - besides I was praying he wouldn't. It's easier to apologize over voicemail right?! WRONG! I need feedback - I've become obsessed with this feeling crap! I said I was sorry and that I asked for feedback and shouldn't have been rude when I got it. I apologized again and asked for forgiveness.... and I haven't heard anything else. Could I seriously have ruined everything because I can't keep my mouth shut? I guess time will tell....
Thursday, November 15, 2007
I've finally done it - I've hopped on the blogging bandwagon... Why? For a few reasons I guess... In the near future I'll be having some rather large life changes - and I've gotta be able to vent somewhere. I'm not a journal writer but I can type like a maniac. Plus, it's nice to be able to just put things out into the universe... at least it makes me feel better!