Thursday, January 31, 2008

Inner Conflict

Wow! I can't believe January is almost over! It went by so fast! Maybe it was the fact that we had two holiday's during the month. Who knows! Either way, I hope the next 3 months go by just as quickly! I'm ready to be done with school for the semester - of course I'm going to be taking a few summer classes because I'm a sucker for punishment, but figure it will give me an easier schedule next year! We'll see how that works out for me right?!

This semeseter has been hard on me already and it's only been like three weeks! My beliefs are being questioned and I am torn! Not only am I torn - but I feel like I am being unfaithful to my beliefs... does that make sense? It's like an inner conflict between what I have believed forever and what I am feeling and starting to believe. How do I find that happy medium? How do I make sure that I am true to my faith and my feelings? I just don't know how to do it!

Any advice?

Tuesday, January 29, 2008


So, I figured since it's almost the end of January, I'd update on how my New Years Resolutions are going....

1. Don't procrastinate: Let's be honest, did I really think I was going to quit procrastinating? case in point: I have the first paper of the semester due tomorrow morning, have I started it? Not a chance in hell! On the bright side though, I have at least given the topic some thought. How diverse am I? Not at all! Paper written - all I have to do is expound on that for 3-4 pages - Piece of cake!

2. Exercise 3 times per week: And did I think with my schedule the way it is that I could actually accomplish that? Yes, I did - until I realized that I hate waking up early! Yes, I hate it! Life shouldn't start until 9 a.m. and I'd be ready and willing to go by then... but really! Before then, I'm lucky if I put my shirt on the right way! Really though, I'm exercising at least 2 times a week, sometimes I'm only 2, sometimes i'm 4... it's a crap shoot I know! Such is my life!

3. Be a better friend and listener: I'll just say to some degree I'm kickin butt in this area - and to another degree I've failed miserably. But I'm not going to let one person ruin my statistic - so I'm doing very well in this area! I hope!

4. Attend the temple regularly: Well, I've got a temple recommend interview next week. It's a start! I'll be better!

So, I'm not stellar - because really, life happens right?! But i'm not giving up. The idea is improvement right?! And I'm working on it - if I give up now, I won't improve at all which would be the dumbest thing ever! So, I continue to strive for better-ness... that is not even a word I know... and I don't care!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Suck on That!

I feel like I haven't blogged in forever - and really, I haven't. But so much has been going on! The past two weeks have sucked.... I've gotten into an argument with someone I care about - and it potentially ruined things but to be quite honest it may be for the best! I hate sitting by and watching people ruin their lives for "love", especially when you know the person you are with is a moron and a skeeze! Enough said! These two weeks have sucked at school - I hate having 9 hours of class in one day! It makes me tired, drains my energy, and I can't think straight by the end of hour 7 - I hope I pass that last class! Not to mention work sucks! Well, it doesn't suck, but what does suck is when co-workers are MIA for weeks at a time and everyone else has to pick up the slack - like I have time for that! I realize you're sick and your family is sick, and I'll help where I can - but really? Since October? Plus, all my clients are going crazy, I've got a few at inpatient psych facilities, and really, I feel like I should be there with them! And finally the love life - wait, lack of I mean! It's not like I have time for one anyway - but I've come to the conclusion that I'm just done with it! Boys are overrated, they don't talk about their feelings, and they don't put the toilet seat back down! Basically, they're annoying! I'm not playing games anymore - either Put up or Shut up! Yeah, I went there!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008


Yes, I am a bandwagon jumper! Shortly after Christmas I realized I was going to spend countless hours reading mindnumbingly boring textbooks for the next 15 weeks and figured I'd better get some reading for enjoyment done. This year the only books I got for christmas were school related so I borrowed my little sister's book Twilight. Now, I know plenty of those annoying girls who can't stop talking about the series and how amazing they are - and I had intended to boycott them. However, my lack of reading material made it necessary to pick up the first one and read it. After the first 50 pages I was hooked. It is entirely juvenile reading, and isn't the type of story I would usually read, but I really liked it. So much so, that I bought the other two books and read all three within 2 weeks time. Pretty impressive considering I have a full-time job, two part-time jobs, and go to school full-time! In any case - I enjoyed myself and find myself talking to other people about it. I'm hoping I haven't become one of those annoying girls. I didn't read it in public, when I was meeting friends for lunch, or when I should have been working.... just at night and on the weekends when I needed to relax. I must admit, i'll read the next book - and I'll see the movie!

In less exciting but still as irritating news: I spoke with D briefly today. Ya know, I think i've come to a very important realization with the help of group therapy last night. [Meaning, in my "how to be a therapist" class last night we discussed this very topic] He isn't interested in me anymore. Move the hell on right?! For some reason I still hope... in vain I guess. He has shown no interest in spending time together, or even talking on a regular basis. You'd think I'd get the hint right?! Apparently I'm not as smart as I'd like to think I am! Don't get me wrong - I'm asked out plenty - and I've been out with someone quite a few times since the dreaded text from D.... I'm just not that interested in anyone I'm spending time with (notice I don't say dating - you date people you like, and I dont like him). Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back, I don't know that he really liked me the way I liked, and continue to like him - but I guess that's what happens right?! I mean, I'd do anything for him - but that's what you do for people you care about and something about him sticks with me. I just need to move the hell on! Good luck right?!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Long Day!

Oh my gosh! Whoever decided it would be smart to offer all of my classes ONLY on Wednesday is an idiot! It is insanely hard to sit in classes for 9 hours in one day! Granted, I have an evening class thats another 3 hours.... but still! 9 hours of class? Realize that means I have class from 8:30 - 6 with two 15 minute breaks between my classes. At first I thought it would be nice - but 9 hours. It makes for a 12 hour day for me. I leave my house at 7 a.m. to be there in time - ya know... the commute and traffic. And then I don't get home until 7 p.m. Then what do I do? Last night I had dinner, watched a tiny bit of t.v. with Austin and Sarah... and then went to bed! I was SO tired! Not only that, but now my butt is sore! 9 hours of sitting in hard school chairs really does a number on my glutes! Not only that, but by the time i'm nearing the end of my last class it's hard to stay awake - especially since i've given up soda! Normally, i'd suck down some mt. dew and life would go on - but now, I'm doing it au natural! My classes should all be pretty interesting though! I already have one assignment due next week. I have to make a box and decorate it the way I think people see me and put three things inside it that describe me and my diversity! Now, the first part will be hard because I know what people think of me, and I don't really want to display it on a box! The second part will be hard because I'm not very diverse! Oh well! I guess it will take some creativity! More later!

Friday, January 4, 2008

2 for the price of 1

Happy New Years! Okay, so I'm a few days late... I wanted to give it a day or so to decide what I want my new years resolutions to be - and I thought I'd blog about that... but then I got busy. Then I talked with D for a while yesterday and wanted to blog about that and got busy again - so you get two for one today!

I spoke in Church on Sunday about Goals so I've been thinking about them for a few weeks now. I learned a lot, and determined two ways to do my goals. First, I'm going to have one word that will explain my goals and that word is "Simplify". I think I'm going to craft some sort of sign to put in my office and room that says simplify... A goal not written is only a wish right?! The other way i'm setting my goals are scripturally based - cheesey I know - but in studying for this I found the perfect way to set goals in a way i'll keep them. If you want to know the biblical reference for these you'll just have to ask. Anyway so I narrowed it down to 4 goals.

1. Don't procrastinate school or work!
2. Exercise 3 times per week - gotta make use of that gym pass i'm paying for
3. Be a better friend and listener
4. Attend the temple regularly

Those are seriously attainable goals for me - and the list of 4 is infinitely smaller than my typical goals. I'm certainly working on simplifying already!

So, about D... yes we talked yesterday over text. It seems like I can't talk on the phone to anyone anymore. I mean, it's not like i've tried to talk to him on the phone - I wouldn't know what to say. He still makes me get butterflies in my tummy! ANYWAY - We talked for a bit and it was nice. I miss talking to him a lot. He's such a nice guy and obviously I still have feelings for him. In all honesty, I don't know if he feels the same way - it's not like i've asked or anything. I've thought about it - but figured I would give it a little more time. Am I stupid for waiting? Realistically though, I would do anything to see him, spend time with him - be with him. I'm so busy right now with school, my internship, my job with the state, and my job with the university - how could I possibly squeeze in one more thing?? Easily, I will always make time for someone I care about! So it means I get a little less sleep - what can you do right?! In any case, I care about him and that's all there is to it. It was nice to hear from him and it really takes all of my self control to not want to text him every day just to say hello and get a short response from him - but I don't want to seem needy or annoying. Where is that line? The line between caring friend and annoying ex? Is there a line?