Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Funk... And not the good kind...
I'm in a funk... I'm not quite sure why, or really what's going on - but I'm in a funk and I can't seem to shake it. I'm stressed, frustrated, tired, frustrated... did I mention frustrated? Things that normally wouldn't bother me - are bugging me. I'm more irritable lately - and I have no idea why. And NO we aren't pregnant... believe me, I wish... but not for a while, if ever. Maybe i'm inside my head too much?! Maybe I need a vacation? Whatever it is - I just need something to kick the funk... and for some reason my Mt Dew just isn't doing it for me. Suggestions?
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Lots of Tears
How crazy life can get... Thursday, June 24th started out as a wonderful day - and ended tragically. It is a day I will never forget because I experienced every emotion possible that day! Let me explain... I work with individuals that have disabilities. One of my clients, an almost 3 year old little girl with multiple disabilities was adopted by a wonderful family, and I was there to witness that on Thursday morning. As I sat in the court room and watched this family answer questions, and promise to love her and care for her... I began thinking about how precious family is, and how blessed this family was to have so many loved ones there to celebrate that day! I'd like to think of myself not just as a professional working with them, but as a friend as well. It was a beautiful morning full of tears! Tears of joy of course!
Late that afternoon I received a phone call from a fellow support coordinator asking if I had spoken with my dear friend Corrine that day. I told her that I hadn't, and asked why she wondered. She said Corrine had called with a crisis and asked her to call immediately, but that she never answered. She called families, providers, and nobody had heard from her but thought they heard background noise during a phone call that indicated she had been in a fender bender. I told her boss that I would call Corrines husband, and then let her know what I found out. When I called Damon, as soon as he picked up the phone I could hear in his voice that something was terribly wrong. He told me that Corrine had been in a horrible accident that morning and that it was on ksl.com and that she was in surgery, and they had lost their unborn child. I asked if there was anything I could do for him and her, and he asked me to tell her boss. I asked him to keep me up to date and he said he would.
I called Corrine's boss and gave her the information, and immediately read the news story and then called our two other best friends (there were 4 of us that spent a LOT of time together) and let them know. The 3 of us talked and cried and set times when we would visit, and how we would keep each other posted. Late that evening, Corrines husband said that they didn't want visitors but that Corrine wanted to see us, and asked if we could come. I let him know we would be there in the morning.
Friday morning was extremely humbling for me. I arrived at the hospital with Bethany at around 9:00 am, and found the room where Corrine's family was waiting for her to get out of surgery. They rushed her in that morning to repair her legs which had been crushed in the car. I hugged Damon immediately and asked what I could do to help. I sat and listened as Damon explained the crash to me, and then told me how their precious daughter, Livi, had saved her mothers life. During the crash, the engine of the car was pushed right into Corrines lap. It ruptured her uterus and Livi's body fell out of the uterus and was pressed up against Corrine's organs acting as a human bandaid and preventing her mother from bleeding to death. At that moment, Damon's father introduced me to baby Livi, and put her into my arms. I sat and cried as I held Livi, looking at this beautiful and perfect little infant who was due in just 6 short weeks. The tears came even more as Damon bravely said "maybe that was her purpose in this life - was to save her mother". What strength he had! Livi was perfect and tiny at just over 3 lbs. She has curly hair the exact shade as her mothers, and she has her fathers ears. She looked so peaceful and I half expected her to start breathing and wake up. Corrine was still in surgery when I left, but I promised I would come back to visit today.
Corrine and Damon are two of the most wonderful people in the world and they spent years trying to have a baby, and after 6 artificial inseminations were blessed with Livi. My heart aches for them at this time, knowing how much they wanted her in their family. The thing that impressed me the most, is the strength that Damon had. Undoubtedly this is the hardest thing he has had to endure, losing his unborn daughter and almost losing his wife... and yet he was strong. I know this is because of their Faith in God! I felt some comfort knowing that because of their temple blessings, that they will be able to live with Livi again, and she will be a part of their family forever.
It really made me start to think about my own family. Travis is not a member of the LDS religion, thus we are not sealed in the temple. I couldn't help but think that if that were us, what would happen to our child? Who would she live with in the next life? It kept me awake last night... I'm not sure how to react now and what to say to my dear husband... but i'll let you know.
If you're interested in following Corrine's story - please feel free to follow her blog!
Late that afternoon I received a phone call from a fellow support coordinator asking if I had spoken with my dear friend Corrine that day. I told her that I hadn't, and asked why she wondered. She said Corrine had called with a crisis and asked her to call immediately, but that she never answered. She called families, providers, and nobody had heard from her but thought they heard background noise during a phone call that indicated she had been in a fender bender. I told her boss that I would call Corrines husband, and then let her know what I found out. When I called Damon, as soon as he picked up the phone I could hear in his voice that something was terribly wrong. He told me that Corrine had been in a horrible accident that morning and that it was on ksl.com and that she was in surgery, and they had lost their unborn child. I asked if there was anything I could do for him and her, and he asked me to tell her boss. I asked him to keep me up to date and he said he would.
I called Corrine's boss and gave her the information, and immediately read the news story and then called our two other best friends (there were 4 of us that spent a LOT of time together) and let them know. The 3 of us talked and cried and set times when we would visit, and how we would keep each other posted. Late that evening, Corrines husband said that they didn't want visitors but that Corrine wanted to see us, and asked if we could come. I let him know we would be there in the morning.
Friday morning was extremely humbling for me. I arrived at the hospital with Bethany at around 9:00 am, and found the room where Corrine's family was waiting for her to get out of surgery. They rushed her in that morning to repair her legs which had been crushed in the car. I hugged Damon immediately and asked what I could do to help. I sat and listened as Damon explained the crash to me, and then told me how their precious daughter, Livi, had saved her mothers life. During the crash, the engine of the car was pushed right into Corrines lap. It ruptured her uterus and Livi's body fell out of the uterus and was pressed up against Corrine's organs acting as a human bandaid and preventing her mother from bleeding to death. At that moment, Damon's father introduced me to baby Livi, and put her into my arms. I sat and cried as I held Livi, looking at this beautiful and perfect little infant who was due in just 6 short weeks. The tears came even more as Damon bravely said "maybe that was her purpose in this life - was to save her mother". What strength he had! Livi was perfect and tiny at just over 3 lbs. She has curly hair the exact shade as her mothers, and she has her fathers ears. She looked so peaceful and I half expected her to start breathing and wake up. Corrine was still in surgery when I left, but I promised I would come back to visit today.
Corrine and Damon are two of the most wonderful people in the world and they spent years trying to have a baby, and after 6 artificial inseminations were blessed with Livi. My heart aches for them at this time, knowing how much they wanted her in their family. The thing that impressed me the most, is the strength that Damon had. Undoubtedly this is the hardest thing he has had to endure, losing his unborn daughter and almost losing his wife... and yet he was strong. I know this is because of their Faith in God! I felt some comfort knowing that because of their temple blessings, that they will be able to live with Livi again, and she will be a part of their family forever.
It really made me start to think about my own family. Travis is not a member of the LDS religion, thus we are not sealed in the temple. I couldn't help but think that if that were us, what would happen to our child? Who would she live with in the next life? It kept me awake last night... I'm not sure how to react now and what to say to my dear husband... but i'll let you know.
If you're interested in following Corrine's story - please feel free to follow her blog!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Whew!
Today we got some good news! Travis was approved to start working by both FINRA and the State. I am SO happy! I know Travis is too! It's been a long two months for him! Now he's in a crunch to hurry and lease an office space, get his office set up, and start contacting his clients. I guess I should have enjoyed all of the time we had together more - cause I'm pretty sure now he's going to be working LATE!
It'll be worth it! Yay! Such a good way to start May!
It'll be worth it! Yay! Such a good way to start May!
Friday, April 30, 2010
Look What you Did.... You Little Jerk!
Yeah, I'm a jerk! I feel absolutely horrible! My husband got a call this morning saying that the State of Utah doesn't want to let him practice financial advising/investing/planning or anything. He looked at me and said "This may be the end of my career." He had tears in his eyes although he didn't cry (unless he did while he was in the shower - or while I was in the shower) - I know he is frustrated and feels like a failure!
I feel bad because here I am complaining about how he's home and I can't get anything done - and my poor husband's career may have just come to an end. Boy did I have to eat some humble pie this morning - and even though I really like pie - this one didn't taste very good.
I'm sorry honey - I love you and I will be as supportive as possible - and I won't complain anymore! Promise!
I feel bad because here I am complaining about how he's home and I can't get anything done - and my poor husband's career may have just come to an end. Boy did I have to eat some humble pie this morning - and even though I really like pie - this one didn't taste very good.
I'm sorry honey - I love you and I will be as supportive as possible - and I won't complain anymore! Promise!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
updates...
Well, the end of March sucked as much as the beginning did. Travis was "let go" from his job on the 29th of March. I was kind of surprised - but not too surprised. It was a pretty darn strategic plan on his employers end. The company suspended he and his business partners for 30 days, and on day 27 they fired him. They told him they would fill out his U-5 when they got a chance, but they have 30 days to do so. I figure they'll take the whole time to do that - it gives the company 60 days where Travis can't contact his clients, and another month possibly before he could get a job after his license is re-posted.
Luckily, his U-5 was posted yesterday. He is still able to be in the financial advising field which is good for him. He loves it, and he is good at it. It's unfortunate that a lack of training and a full-on "witch hunt" cost him his job. But he is looking for a new job. When I say looking, I'm using the term loosely! He had a 4 hour long interview with a company a couple of weeks ago - and now that his U-5 has been posted, they should be able to make a decision. In the meantime, he waits.
I, on the other hand, work 2 jobs. I work all day, every day - and it never ends. School ends next week, but then I have to put in final grades and a week later - summer school starts again. I shouldn't be annoyed - but I am. Why put all your eggs in one basket? I would be sending out tons of resumes and making phone calls... not waiting on one possible job. Does it make me a bad wife that I'm frustrated and that my stress level has jumped from extremely high to impossibly high since the beginning of March? Yes, he is doing things around the house - cleaning the kitchen, laundry... not the bathrooms of course. But, I am having a hard time working at home because he is there. I love him, but I need my own space and some quiet (so i can rock out to my own music) while I work.
I am trying to be understanding, and respectful, and supportive - but it drives me nuts that he doesn't do things the way I would do them (in terms of finding a different job). Ugh, I feel like a horrible wife!
On the bright side - Spence left yesterday. He went to the Provo Utah Mission yesterday, where he will serve for 12 weeks and will be sent elsewhere afterward. He was SO happy to go! Of course he requested I make enchiladas for him on Sunday, and that we have Cheese Pizza on Tuesday night before he left. He is such a good kid! I'll miss him!
Luckily, his U-5 was posted yesterday. He is still able to be in the financial advising field which is good for him. He loves it, and he is good at it. It's unfortunate that a lack of training and a full-on "witch hunt" cost him his job. But he is looking for a new job. When I say looking, I'm using the term loosely! He had a 4 hour long interview with a company a couple of weeks ago - and now that his U-5 has been posted, they should be able to make a decision. In the meantime, he waits.
I, on the other hand, work 2 jobs. I work all day, every day - and it never ends. School ends next week, but then I have to put in final grades and a week later - summer school starts again. I shouldn't be annoyed - but I am. Why put all your eggs in one basket? I would be sending out tons of resumes and making phone calls... not waiting on one possible job. Does it make me a bad wife that I'm frustrated and that my stress level has jumped from extremely high to impossibly high since the beginning of March? Yes, he is doing things around the house - cleaning the kitchen, laundry... not the bathrooms of course. But, I am having a hard time working at home because he is there. I love him, but I need my own space and some quiet (so i can rock out to my own music) while I work.
I am trying to be understanding, and respectful, and supportive - but it drives me nuts that he doesn't do things the way I would do them (in terms of finding a different job). Ugh, I feel like a horrible wife!
On the bright side - Spence left yesterday. He went to the Provo Utah Mission yesterday, where he will serve for 12 weeks and will be sent elsewhere afterward. He was SO happy to go! Of course he requested I make enchiladas for him on Sunday, and that we have Cheese Pizza on Tuesday night before he left. He is such a good kid! I'll miss him!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Sneak Peek...
My family did family portraits a couple of weeks ago - and this is a sneak peek of some of the pics - I'll show more when I get the disc from my mom! If you need a photographer - Heather Telford - is amazing! She did such a great job! And we LOVE the pics so far!
You know what they say about March...
It comes in like a Lion and Out like a Lamb....
Our March definitely came in like a Lion!!! This month has been so trying on me mentally and emotionally! Travis and I started out the month with the shocking news that he had been suspended from work for 30 days... There has been an investigation with Travis's business partners that I don't really have any details or information about other than the fact that it wasn't anything Travis did - He can't contact his clients - He's not working for 30 days - and he's afraid he will be fired. Such great news to hear right?! Travis is taking it much better than I am! I was in shock and didn't know what to do or say. When I saw him later that evening he said it was beyond his control so he wasn't going to worry about it. He is so much better than I am. I worry about it all the time - but that's how I am - I'm a worrier!
I picked up a third class at the end of February and have really gotten in to it this month - and it has been horrible! Teaching 3 classes is too hard for me to do, and to have my job as well. It just is a lot of extra work that I am having a hard time squeezing in. Not only that, but the students are SO rude and annoying! I never turned in assignments late - and I never argued with teachers about the grades they gave me! I don't understand how this is seen as okay for them! I'm your teacher and if I don't think your paper followed the requirements, and if I don't think it is an A paper - I won't give you an A. It's as easy as that! Oye! One student also tries to question me on everything I say, and tries to correct me as well - luckily, I'm kind of smart and I show up prepared so he doesn't get anything on me! Ha!
With the legislative changes that happened - I am trying to determine if I am going to be able to keep my job or not. I love my job - I love the individuals I work with and I'm not ready to move on yet. However, with the increase in caseloads that was approved I find myself questioning whether or not I can provide quality service to more individuals. And with the decrease in pay, I find my self really wondering if my difficult caseload is worth dealing with for the small amount of money I will be paid. I am trying to think outside of the box and find other things - but I love this population... More Stress...
On the other side of my job - my caseload is going crazy! I have clients running away, clients throwing tantrums, a million reviews, mountains of paperwork, Audits coming up, and the list goes on and on. No wonder I am stressed - I can't have even one weekend without a client calling because they're angry, or sad, or are running away, or whatever... I do love my job - I just wish my caseload would settle down!
We haven't really told anyone yet, but we are trying to get pregnant. The past few months have been spent doing ovulation tests and all that grand stuff - only to find out I'm just not ovulating at all, and we need help getting pregnant. Now we are at the point where we have to figure out who to see for help - what will our insurance pay for - how much can we afford to spend on fertility treatment - how far are we willing to go to have a baby and all of those other questions. We knew it was likely we would need help, this only confirmed it for us. Every time we find out we aren't pregnant, poor Travis has to deal with me. I'm getting used to it and am trying not to get my hopes up - but every month I get hopeful and then disappointed. Is it awful that I feel like less and less of a woman and wife every month that goes by? I guess things happen for a reason, we just have to figure out where to go from here.
On the bright side - we celebrated our One Year Anniversary this month! I can't believe it's been a year already! We have had a big year! We spent our anniversary weekend in St. George. 5 days doing absolutely nothing! It was so awesome! We didn't do nothing really, we watched Grey's Anatomy, we went out for dinner/lunch a few times, did some shopping, got in the hot tub... but really we just took the long weekend to relax and unwind from the stress of the month. It was a nice Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and when I tried to take Monday and Tuesday off as well - it didn't happen. I was emailing, calling, etc. people all day both days - so much for a nice long relaxing weekend!
This week Travis is in California for a business conference. This is the first time we have been away from each other since we started dating - and the first time I have slept alone since we have been married. It is so weird... Luckily, my husband is wonderful and texts or calls before and after the conference, and during their breaks. I miss him - and so do the dogs! They keep looking for him and kind of get annoyed with me when he never shows up! Sorry guys!
Travis is hoping to find out about the fate of his job by next week... The decision will either make or break me! Emotionally anyway - if you see me with big puffy red eyes and no makeup, with my hair in a messy ponytail... just know it didn't go well. I think I take these things too personally - but how can I not?! He is wonderful and stresses about me stressing about him - real productive I know!
So, after the month I've been having - you can see why I'm anxious for it to end! Let's hope it goes out like a lamb!
Our March definitely came in like a Lion!!! This month has been so trying on me mentally and emotionally! Travis and I started out the month with the shocking news that he had been suspended from work for 30 days... There has been an investigation with Travis's business partners that I don't really have any details or information about other than the fact that it wasn't anything Travis did - He can't contact his clients - He's not working for 30 days - and he's afraid he will be fired. Such great news to hear right?! Travis is taking it much better than I am! I was in shock and didn't know what to do or say. When I saw him later that evening he said it was beyond his control so he wasn't going to worry about it. He is so much better than I am. I worry about it all the time - but that's how I am - I'm a worrier!
I picked up a third class at the end of February and have really gotten in to it this month - and it has been horrible! Teaching 3 classes is too hard for me to do, and to have my job as well. It just is a lot of extra work that I am having a hard time squeezing in. Not only that, but the students are SO rude and annoying! I never turned in assignments late - and I never argued with teachers about the grades they gave me! I don't understand how this is seen as okay for them! I'm your teacher and if I don't think your paper followed the requirements, and if I don't think it is an A paper - I won't give you an A. It's as easy as that! Oye! One student also tries to question me on everything I say, and tries to correct me as well - luckily, I'm kind of smart and I show up prepared so he doesn't get anything on me! Ha!
With the legislative changes that happened - I am trying to determine if I am going to be able to keep my job or not. I love my job - I love the individuals I work with and I'm not ready to move on yet. However, with the increase in caseloads that was approved I find myself questioning whether or not I can provide quality service to more individuals. And with the decrease in pay, I find my self really wondering if my difficult caseload is worth dealing with for the small amount of money I will be paid. I am trying to think outside of the box and find other things - but I love this population... More Stress...
On the other side of my job - my caseload is going crazy! I have clients running away, clients throwing tantrums, a million reviews, mountains of paperwork, Audits coming up, and the list goes on and on. No wonder I am stressed - I can't have even one weekend without a client calling because they're angry, or sad, or are running away, or whatever... I do love my job - I just wish my caseload would settle down!
We haven't really told anyone yet, but we are trying to get pregnant. The past few months have been spent doing ovulation tests and all that grand stuff - only to find out I'm just not ovulating at all, and we need help getting pregnant. Now we are at the point where we have to figure out who to see for help - what will our insurance pay for - how much can we afford to spend on fertility treatment - how far are we willing to go to have a baby and all of those other questions. We knew it was likely we would need help, this only confirmed it for us. Every time we find out we aren't pregnant, poor Travis has to deal with me. I'm getting used to it and am trying not to get my hopes up - but every month I get hopeful and then disappointed. Is it awful that I feel like less and less of a woman and wife every month that goes by? I guess things happen for a reason, we just have to figure out where to go from here.
On the bright side - we celebrated our One Year Anniversary this month! I can't believe it's been a year already! We have had a big year! We spent our anniversary weekend in St. George. 5 days doing absolutely nothing! It was so awesome! We didn't do nothing really, we watched Grey's Anatomy, we went out for dinner/lunch a few times, did some shopping, got in the hot tub... but really we just took the long weekend to relax and unwind from the stress of the month. It was a nice Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and when I tried to take Monday and Tuesday off as well - it didn't happen. I was emailing, calling, etc. people all day both days - so much for a nice long relaxing weekend!
This week Travis is in California for a business conference. This is the first time we have been away from each other since we started dating - and the first time I have slept alone since we have been married. It is so weird... Luckily, my husband is wonderful and texts or calls before and after the conference, and during their breaks. I miss him - and so do the dogs! They keep looking for him and kind of get annoyed with me when he never shows up! Sorry guys!
Travis is hoping to find out about the fate of his job by next week... The decision will either make or break me! Emotionally anyway - if you see me with big puffy red eyes and no makeup, with my hair in a messy ponytail... just know it didn't go well. I think I take these things too personally - but how can I not?! He is wonderful and stresses about me stressing about him - real productive I know!
So, after the month I've been having - you can see why I'm anxious for it to end! Let's hope it goes out like a lamb!
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