Motivation for Change!

So I guess it's time for me to admit it..... Time to suck it up and go public.... The truth is I need some help - so rather than keeping it a secret - here it goes!!! I joined weight watchers in the middle to end of February. Yes I did - and I'm so glad I did. I know you're thinking "she's trying yet another diet, blah blah blah" but this time is different - hopefully! I know the first thing people want to know is how much have I lost. Well let me tell you that depends on what day you're asking - actually, what week. Here's the problem - I've lost 28.8 pounds. Great right?! Right - except that then I keep gaining 2 1/2 pounds so my weight loss keeps fluctuating. I keep gaining and re-losing the same 3 pounds and I'm really frustrated by it. And I have a theory.... I know, me and my lame theories.

Every time i start a new weight loss program I think "this is it, the one that's going to work for me!" And approximatelyl 25 pounds later I think I'm doing well - fall off the bandwagon for a little and it's all downhill from there! I gain back those 25 and then some. Why do I do that? Because I'm dumb... That's not my theory. My theory is I like to sabatoge things in my life. Things start to go well and I think- gosh this is going really well, I wonder how i could screw it up?! And I always find a great way to do it! Not just in my weight loss efforts - but in my friendships - relationships - and other ships.... Okay maybe that's an exaggeration. The thing is that I think I was so excited about weight watchers and the first week I lost an astonishing 10 pounds and then the next week I lost 0.4 - who knew you could lose 0.4 pounds. Anyway - I think I'm just discouraged because even with the 25 that I've lost and kept off - I'm not really seeing any changes in my body. Sure I bought one size smaller pants - but the thing is - they're still big pants - and you'd think after 25 pounds you should get more than one size smaller. I guess when you have a lot to lose it takes longer to see it in yourself and for others to notice it too. Who even knows.

I think I'm just stuck in a rut. Afterall, how many times have I lost 25 pounds and then regained them? Too many to count! So it's like 25 isn't a big deal for me - even though that's a huge accomplishment! So - I did something drastic. Lots of my clients have token systems or sticker charts to help motivate them. Whenever they participate in a desired behavior they get a sticker or a token, and so many of those tokens will buy them exciting things like a new puzzle, or a new video game. Well, since puzzles and video games don't really motivate me - I went extreme! A new purse! Not just any purse - a fabulous new pink coach purse! It is SO cute! Plus, I found it on ebay - brand new with the tags and everything - and I got a killer deal on it. Then I did something Crazy and unlike me! I gave it to my friend! No not forever - don't worry! It is my motivation! I am just a couple of pounds away from my 10% weight loss goal - and that is a HUGE deal to me - I hope. So my friend is holding my purse ransom until I get my 10% key chain at the WW meeting. I want that purse SO bad! I love my blue coach purse - but it's time to move on to a pinker purse! So I'm trying hard to earn it! Hopefully it will be two or three weeks and I'll be sporting my new pink coach purse... afterall, I have to lose that pound I put on last week!!! It sucks that I like food so much!

In other small tidbits of information - I got an email from my sister today. She had her first baptism on Friday and it sounded AMAZING! The guy is paralyzeed and so the baptism involved 4 elders, one stretcher, 2 ambulances, and a really big font! It's such a great story! I'll share it with whoever wants to hear - it's just too special to put on my blog... So maybe we'll chat and I'll tell you the story. And look for me sporting the new Pink Coach Purse!!! She's a beaut... I think she needs a name.... Penny maybe.... nah, not Penny.... any suggestions are welcome.

A quick year!

I can't sleep. It's about 12:30 and i'm usually LONG asleep. But this weekend has been hard on me emotionally.... And it's so stupid why!

This weekend happened to be the year mark of when D met the family. Now, normally this isn't a big deal because I've taken plenty of guys home to meet the fam. The funny part is that typically within 2 weeks of meeting the family we break up. So I know if I want to end things with someone all I have to do is take them home. What does that say about my family??? Another topic for another day. Anyway, so this weekend was the one year mark of that fateful activity - that turned out so great!

It wasn't hard to pass the day we met, or the first date, or the first kiss.... none of that. But the first time he met the family was a little rough on me, I'm not gonna lie. The thing is, I'm not really sure why. I mean, I haven't really thought about him since the final text - and I was really okay with it. But all day and all night Saturday that's all I could think about and it was pissing me off! It still is!

I had great plans to delete D from my friend list on facebook. You know, I deleted him from my phonebook right away so I couldn't be tempted to text him again. And I was going to take him off my friend list on facebook -but I hadn't been on it until earlier tonight... and I just couldn't do it. Maybe I need someone to do it for me!

I feel so lame! I'm not usually this stupid. Afterall, it's just a boy!!! Yes, it is a boy that I really liked and could see a future with... but it's never going to happen.... how do I move past that next step.... and is every year at the white trash carnival going to be this hard? What about the actual break up date? I don't think that will be hard. So what is it about meeting the family that makes it so hard????

IT'S OVER!

Camp is finally over... and what a crazy turn of events. Let me start from the beginning.

I had heard the buzzing about there being so much snow at Shalom that we wouldn't be able to go. The YW president told me I should attend the camp meeting on Thursday night at the Stake Center to get the low down. Well, lucky for me my mom is super good friends with the bishop's wife and she gets all the scoop and luckily so did I. I found out Thursday morning that as a Stake we would be camping in Lehi somewhere and that Camp would still happen this week. Needless to say I was super happy about that!!! I didn't want my August ruined you know?! I'm so selfish!

So, At the meeting they tell us things have changed a little. Instead of camp starting Tuesday afternoon it started Tuesday morning - and instead of ending on Saturday afternoon it would end on Friday afternoon. I didn't mind to much because that meant less food for me to cook!!! So I spent the weekend shopping for food. About $700.00 and a near anxiety attack later, camp food was all purchased, and I spent the remainder of the weekend cooking the food i had bought so i would be prepared! On Sunday the camp director and I sang a little song about the changes for camp - to the tune of Count your many blessings.... it was super cute i must admit!!! We told the girls of the changes and they were pretty excited. Who wouldn't want to trade a snowy camp for a sunny one?!

So, Monday I spent the entire day packing the food into coolers and boxes. And loading everything in our giant YW Camp Trailer. Plus, attending pack check and making sure girls brought the things they needed for camp. It was actually pretty exciting except I was beginning to have anxiety about cooking all week! No worries though - It would all work out!

We (Leaders and YCL's) left crazy early on Tuesday morning for our Lehi Camp and started to set up camp before the rest of the girls got there. By the time the girls arrived 2 hours later - My kitchen was set up, we had 3 regular size canopies, 1 massive canopy, and a roof for my kitchen set up. Along with a 20 man tent, and 3, 8-man tents!!! The girls came and we started with breakfast which I slaved over. Okay not really, we had costco muffins provided by the relief society - and fruit and juice, provided by Costco.

By lunch time it was WINDY! But it was okay -we had been expecting some rain on Wednesday and we were prepared for it! I made lunch and we had some more activities - and later we had dinner and more activities. By the time we went to bed I was exhausted! But it was so windy! We went to bed and I didn't fall asleep until 1 a.m. and then i had to go to the bathroom at 2:30 in the morning of course! Dang small bladder!!! I slept until about 6:30 when I had to get up to make breakfast.

After breakfast we had flag ceremony and then came back to the campsite to do some crafts. After a little while it started to rain - not just rain, it started to POUR! So we went the girls to their tents to have some solo time while we went from tent to tent patching up holes, and digging motes around tents just to be on the safe side. By about 11 a.m. we started talking about lunch and needed to change our menu. However, the food I had planned on eating for lunch on Thursday was at my house waiting to come up Wednesday night. The camp director sent me home for it, as well as making a pit stop at Harmons for some things and Maverick for a Dt. Coke for her.

By the time I got back it was pouring in O town, but not so bad in Lehi. I put all the food in my kitchen just in time to be taken to a meeting where - camp was changed again. I guess a lot of the wards were not prepared for rain and were having some serious flooding problems with their tents and the decision was made to go home and continue camp at the Stake Center. What? I know right?!

It took us only one hour to pack up everything in the trailer with the exception of the kitchen and the tents. Everything else was packed. We left and went to the church for lunch and a leader program. At the end of the night we sent the girls home to shower and they were allowed to decide if they wanted to sleep at home or at Sis. Gibb's home on the floor. EVERYONE showed up to Sis. Gibb's. It was so cute! So we camped out on her floor. On Thursday morning we went to the stake center and finished certification and such. At lunchtime we went to the church and had lunch, and then did our activities at the church and prepared for bishopric night. Which ended around 10 p.m. and then went home! That was the end of camp! Can you believe all the changes? There was so much more to it, but i'm exhausted and don't have time to go into all of it. Maybe later if I feel like it!

Oh - one last thing - and this is some wonderful news!!! New Kids on the Block (NKOTB for all of those fans) is coming in concert to the E center this November! I'm SO going! I loved the New Kids on the Block. I do have their greatest hits CD and listen to it on my iPod whenever it comes up! We watched the NKOTB concert video at Sis. Gibb's house.... it was SO much fun! I love doing dorky things! ANYWAY - if anybody would like to go - let me know! It'll be a party!

Camp 2008

So last night I'm minding my own business at the Yong Women's activity when the YW Secretary asks to speak with me. She pulls me aside and asks if I've seen the pictures of Camp Shalom. I tell her no I haven't seen anything. She then proceeds to tell me that she heard from a very reliable source (a.k.a her husband - the bishop) that there is 6 feet of snow up there, the lake is frozen, and by the way, cars can't even make it up there. She then asked me if we were still planning on going to camp? Like I know! This is the first I've heard of that! So I get home and see an email from the Camp Director who said she heard there is a buzz about snow up there and the possibility that we may have to go in August instead.... AUGUST! Really? Really!

I decided to take matters into my own hand and email the director and other assistant. Quite frankly August doesn't work for me. Call me selfish but I have planned my entire summer around Camp and I'll be damned if I have to change my plans. Okay really, I have nothing planned but a few concerts - that are in August, and very important to me! But the reality is, August is the only break I will have from school and even still it's only a 3 week long break - then it's school stuff until I graduate next May - so I need my August!!!!

I figure, if we can't go to camp next week at Shalom - let's go somewhere else. Who needs to go with the Stake? They plan lame activities anyway. Ugh - I really have no idea what to do. The director said she doesn't even want to think about it yet because she's ending school and her daughter is graduating. Really? Like i'm not busy - I'm sorry but this is kind of a small crisis! Whatever! So we're going to go to a meeting with the Stake on Thursday night to find out the stake's decision on camp. We'll see what happens I guess....

Born to Shop - Forced to Cook

I have become a complete stress case! Who knew that Girls Camp Preparation would be so overwhelming! Oh, but it is! Luckily I'm only an assistant camp director because if I were in charge - we'd be in deep trouble.

I think I had some misconceptions as to what it would be like as a camp director. I thought I would be in charge of the fun stuff, or the crafty stuff... Not food! If you know me at all - you know cooking is not my strong suit! And cooking for 30 people every day - definitely NOT my strong suit. But even still - I'm in charge of food. That's a HUGE assignment. I get anxiety when I start thinking about it. We go to camp in 10 days and I'm freaking out!

I had to price food last week to determine what we would eat and how much it would all cost. I seriously thought I was going to have a panic attack right in the middle of the grocery store! It was intense! But I had to go cheap on everything because the young womens president is quite the money nazi! Really! She wants me to feed 30 girls on $300.00 for the week - not likely!!! In any case - I'm cutting corners, going cheap, and paying for stuff myself to keep the damage at a minimum... It's frustrating!

So here I am, a week away from buying all the groceries and putting them in their respective coolers after I have sorted, chopped, diced, sliced, and cooked most of the stuff so the cooking will be at a minimum at camp... I hope I can pull this off. Otherwise I'll be one unhappy crazy lady at camp! I did buy myself a rather sweet apron that says Born to Shop - Forced to Cook. Partly as a joke - but also in all seriousness!!!

Other than the food part camp should be a great time. I'm in charge of the devotionals every day at breakfast and dinner, and the craft projects which will be super fun! I have to admit I am kind of excited. I tend to go a little overboard on the craft stuff. But better to be super prepared than not at all, cause who knows - we could be cabin bound with all the snow and rain. The men in the stake are going up next Saturday to dig us in and clean out the cabins and biffy's. Good times.

You know what makes me frustrated- when the boys tell us we aren't really camping cause we have cabins. You know what? Cabins are necessary because THERE ARE BEARS!!! Yes, we've had them join our testimony meetings on a rare occasion and since there is so much snow I'm not taking any chances. The cabins don't have electricity or running water. Now, tell me how we are not camping - and yet they are camping by going to Lake Powell and staying on a House Boat??? Make sense? NO!

Enough of my rants - Camp will be fun (repeat it with me) Camp will be fun, camp will be fun... I'm optomistic.

Better to lose a love than to love a loser!

Okay, maybe that's a little harsh right?! D is no loser - just an idiot!

We didn't end up meeting yesterday because it just didn't happen. Instead we met for lunch today. So I've been throwing out good thoughts to the universe hoping for some good in return of course! I met him and we had a nice little lunch and talked about superficial things. How's his family, how's mine? How is he, how am I. Stuff like that. We got out to the cars and I gave him the old license plates and he gave me a side hug - yes a side hug and said he'd see me later. I stopped him and said, "You know, my feelings for you have never changed - I still really like you. And it's apparent to me that you don't feel the same way which is fine, because maybe we aren't in the same place in life right now. It just sucks because I've been waiting for 8 months for you to decide you were going to call me and try again. But it hasn't happened and I'm not waiting around anymore because I deserve to be loved the way that I would have loved you." And then I got in my car and left. Crying of course.

So within minutes he had sent me a text saying "Geeze you seemed pissed. I never expected you to wait around for me. I'm sorry that was not clear." I told him I wasn't pissed at all, just more hurt than anything because when he said he wanted to try again, I believed him. Maybe I was just naive - but I wasn't pissed, I just didn't want him to see me cry. So he texted me back and said he was sorry and all I said was "You should be. You have no idea what you're missing out on."

Call me crazy - but I was so proud of myself! He should be sorry because damnit I'm a cool girl and a kick ass girlfriend! Not only that but I deserve better than that. I deserve to be treated well and adored. I deserve someone who wants to see me all the time and instead of being a coward and texting me an apology - someone who would actually call me at least. What do you expect from someone who breaks up with you over text right?! I should have known!

So the funny part is that I get back to my office and I'm crying to two of my friends telling them how bad I hate him - but still L him in the same sentance and my heart is broken and maybe his body language was telling me something, when I get a text with my horoscope for the day. Now, I'm normally not a believer - and to be quite honest I don't know how I ended up having my horoscope texted to me every day - but it says "Analyzing won't make things any clearer. The day is fuzzy." I'm a believer now! Maybe not a believer - but that was pretty weird.

I'll survive - don't you worry! It still hurts and probably will until I have a really good "girls night" or something. Good thing tomorrow I'm going for a Pedi. I need it! And now I am officially on a dating hiatus!

You were brave then... be brave now!

Yes I know - it's been a month and a half since I blogged - I've been busy so get off my case! Really I have been super busy and I will catch up with my blogness as soon as I can find the time. Right now I can't really sleep so I'm blogging away in my bed (Thank goodness for laptops)!

I am going to be brave tomorrow... very brave. The plan is to express my feelings and put my foot down at the same time. Cause I'm done! With what you may ask? Actually, if you know me well enough you know it's about D. I've decided I'm done waiting around. Not that I was actually waiting - but I kind of am in a sick way.

The plan is that tomorrow I'm giving him his old plates and he's giving me a spare to the car and then I'm going to tell him like it is. That I have feelings for him still - the feelings haven't changed. The thing is, it's been 8 months now (gosh I'm pathetic) and I haven't pushed or shoved or even made mention of the fact that HE said he wanted to try again. Even after further clarification (I'm not stupid - I know what try again means) - and he insisted he did want to try again.... still nothing. And I'm done waiting. I deserve to be loved by someone who will love me the way that I would have loved him. Is that so much to ask for? I don't think so. So that's it. I'm not waiting around - I'm officially moving onward and upward.

I'm not gonna lie though - it will hurt like hell! Anything involving feelings and the inevitibility that they will be hurt sucks but what other choice do I have. I was going to wait until I graduate next year (cause really, with my schedule who even has time to date) - but a friend of mine pointed out that next year is a year away, and a lot can change in that time. Who knows who I could meet and pass up because I'm waiting for one guy to pull his head out and realize that I'm a kick ass girlfriend and that his feelings for me are more than just lust (don't get me started on that one!). I just don't have the time or energy to wait around for that. Nor, do I deserve that!

So this is it. I'm being brave even though afterward I'm certain I will cry. Pray for me!