A Year in Review

It's hard to believe it's 2013 already!  2012 was a decent year for us. We made several trips to St. George to visit Travis' parents, as well as some of his clients.  We went to Vegas a couple of times. Visited family in Portland and Tucson, and had family come visit us.

Travis continues to enjoy being his own boss at Dream It Financial. He and his business partner have been working on building their client book, and are looking forward to growing more in the next few years. Travis is obsessed with board games, and now has so many that I can't even name half of them. He loves playing games and spends a lot of time researching games on his favorite website - boardgamegeek.com 

I have been working as a Behavior Analyst for Chrysalis for almost 2 years now, and I really enjoy it. About two weeks ago I finished the last of my Behavior Analysis Classes with the Florida Institute of Technology.  I am now preparing to take the board exam in May - wish me luck!  I haven't had much time to participate in many hobbies because of school and work - but I'm hopeful that this year will allow me some time to read, scrapbook, and find some other hobbies.

This year, is promising to be a great year!  We have a couple of trips planned - St. George, Vegas, Cour d'alene, and hopefully NYC! We will attempt IVF again this spring (hopefully it works and we don't have to try again), and hopefully be expecting! I am hopeful that 2013 will be our year!

November 28, 2012

I haven’t written in over a month, I haven’t been able to.  As I told Travis the other day, I’m not okay.  I wasn’t overly emotional during the hormone treatments or anything – but since the negative, I’ve been extremely emotional. I cry much easier. I am devastated!  I continued to look for a therapist and still can’t find anyone who deals with fertility. 

I finally made a bunch of calls and found some that take my insurance, but I didn’t feel a connection with any of them.  Finally, I got a referral for a lady in the Cottonwood Heights area, who does therapy, but doesn’t take insurance.  In the two or three emails we exchanged, I felt comfortable with her. I felt like she was someone I could talk with. I asked Travis about the money part, and we decided we would make it work.  I have my first appointment with her this week.  It’s going to cost me $85 for the first session, and then it’s a sliding fee scale after that.  If she can help me feel like my old self, or a better self, and help me feel like I’m not a failure as a woman – Any amount of money I was asked to pay would be worth it.

We told our parents finally.  Actually, we told my parents last month. I sat at Magleby’s Fresh and talked with my mom about the experience, and I cried, and her eyes filled with tears. I could tell she was trying to be strong for me.  She asked if we would try IVF again, or move to adoption. I told her we plan on trying again… in March or April (depending on how much we owe for taxes – bleh). She said she wished they could help financially, but couldn’t because they had paid for biggest loser camp and dad’s new car all in cash this year.  I appreciated that she said that though.  It’s hard to come up with such a big amount of money… and to do it twice in 7 months is really hard too.  She said she would let my dad know, and said they loved us and would pray for us.  It was kind of a bonding experience.

Earlier this week, we told Travis’ parents. They were talking about being off their diets, and asked if we were still doing weight watchers. We said No because we had done IVF, and  they recommend you not do WW when you’re doing the IVF process, he mentioned it didn’t work – and his parents went right on to talk more about their diets.  Not a word about how we are doing with it, not a word about if we are doing it again, not a word about financing it, and not a word about their sorrow that it didn’t work… NOTHING!  I didn’t know how to react, so I didn’t. But the next morning while I was showering and Travis was shaving – I said to him, “Did you think your parents reaction to us doing IVF was weird?”  His response? “Yeah, totally weird, I don’t understand it.” We didn’t bring it up again, but then that evening his dad said, “Oh, we accidentally told Sara that you did IVF – so she knows now.”  I couldn’t respond, but I was FURIOUS!  They don’t say a word to us, but they tell his sister?! We haven’t even told my siblings, who we are MUCH closer to, than his siblings. And, if we were going to tell them, we would have rather had US tell them, than his parents.  I am trying not to be angry about it, but I can’t help but be mad.

So, where are we now? I have a therapy session on Friday morning. I am working on scheduling our post-ivf consultation appointment so we can see if there is anything else we need to do ahead of time, or if we just pay the money and start when it's time. I am excited to try again, but I'm nervous as well!  I really hope it works this time.

October 12, 2012

I got “the call” on Wednesday from the doctor’s office. My pregnancy test was negative – obviously.  I was prepared to hear the result, but it still stung.  Katie told me we should meet with Dr. Heiner and have our follow-up appointment. I asked when, and she told me when we were ready. I asked her what we do now – just start over?  Basically, yep, that’s the only answer for us. We start again – we pay the HUGE amounts of money to try again.  She told me the second cycle is usually easier, and has really good success rates. This is likely because the doctor has gotten so much information about me and my body and how it reacts to the medications, and stress of IVF – and we can adjust the cycle accordingly for next time.  

If we had the money, I would do it again right now! The earliest we could do it is January – I have to have 3 periods before they want to do it again.  Financially, who knows when it will be. Travis said March at the earliest. I’m hoping for March.

We are planning on sitting down with our parents (Mine next week – Travis’ when they get home from Aruba in November) and letting them know that we went through the entire process, and it failed, and now we have to start over. 

I have spent quite a bit of time this week looking for a therapist.  However, I can’t find a single therapist in the entire Salt Lake Valley that specializes in therapy regarding fertility issues. You would think it would be something that would be readily available given how prevalent fertility issues are.  Maybe I need to start my own private practice… 

For now, I’m keeping my head above water. I’m trying to stay positive and not stress out too much. I’m trying to figure out how we will pay for our next cycle, when it will be, and what to do until then.  Hopefully the next cycle will bring more positive results!

October 8, 2012

I haven’t written anything since the Embryo Transfer because I wanted to just relax and not stress about the whole process.  I guess I should fill you in on everything.

The transfer went well. The embryos looked great – there were two and the embryologist said they were by far the best of the bunch and looked great.  The actual transfer took only 7 minutes. They gave me a valium so I could relax during the transfer – I’m sure glad they did because while it’s a short procedure – it’s kind of painful and stressful!

Afterward, they told me to relax for a day or two and then I could resume regular activities (as long as I wasn’t running or doing any high impact aerobics – looking at me obviously you can tell I’m super athletic… whatever).  And they told me to come back on the 9^th for a pregnancy test! 

On Thursday, October 4^th I had some spotting.  It was brownish and didn’t look at all like I was starting my period. I was told spotting would be normal, but I couldn’t help but Google spotting and what it looked like compared to having your period (* Word of advice – some things should not have pictures! That is one of them).  I read some stuff about how it could be the embryo implanting in my uterus, and decided not to worry about it.  I let Travis know I was spotting but that I wasn’t worried about it.

The following morning I started my period. I spent the entire time in the shower crying (it’s much easier to keep it from Travis if I’m doing it in the shower!) because I knew we weren’t pregnant. I had started my period and that was it.  I left for work and went up to Park City and cried during the entire drive up. I sat in the parking lot and gained my composure and called Katie at the clinic. I told her I had started my period and would need to cancel my appointment for the pregnancy test on Tuesday. She told me that in some rare cases, women have their periods through their entire pregnancy. She told me to come in on Monday instead for the test, but not to get my hopes up. 

I cried the entire drive down from Park City that afternoon. I told Travis before I left to go home from Park City.  We had our weekend the way we had planned and didn’t talk about it really, other than should we tell our families we did it, and when would we do it again?

This morning I went in for my pregnancy test – it was a quick blood test and they said they would call me around 5 and let me know the results. In my heart, I already know they’re negative. But I still haven’t adequately prepared for that result. I cried the entire way from the clinic to my office.

I am devastated!  There is no other way to say it, other than devastated! I know we haven’t been struggling with infertility as long as others – but that doesn’t make it any less painful. How I long to be a mother, to be pregnant, and to start a family with my husband. It kills me that we haven’t been able to do it so far!  

I guess from here – we do another consult with our doctor and review step by step our IVF experience. He can make recommendations from there. I guess now, we just start saving money again.  Hopefully we can do it after the New Year – but we will see.

For now, I am trying to keep my composure at work. I’m trying not to cry in front of people. Only a few people knew we were doing it – and it’s hard to have to tell them, oh it didn’t work.  But at the same time, I need that emotional support.  I am not looking forward to telling my family, but at the same time I am – it’s times like these when I feel like I need that support from my Mom. And yet, I know she can’t relate at all – she was able to have 5 babies in 4 pregnancies without having to have assistance. Ugh… this sucks worse than I ever imagined.  I’ll just have to keep myself busy until I have time to deal with the emotions and stress and inadequacies that come from this experience.

September 27, 2012

Dr. Heiner called me this morning. I had just pulled in to the office, and sat in the parking lot talking to him. He said that he was going to suggest we not do the PGD testing, because we only had two embryos left. He asked if we would want to implant them both regardless of the gender, and I said yes.  So, he scheduled my implantation for today at 12:30, where they will implant the remaining 2 embryos we have.

I got off the phone and immediately started bawling.  I don’t know why I am being so sensitive about it. Maybe because I am scared about it not working, and not having any frozen ones to potentially use later? Maybe because, for some reason, I felt a connection to these 10 embryos – I felt like, these would become some of my children, and to have all but 2 lost – has been quite devastating!

I called Travis and let him know – and I could tell he was trying to be brave for me because he knew I was crying. He kept apologizing and saying he wished he had been with me when I got the phone call. He is such a wonderful man. I love him so much, and I REALLY hope at least one of these embryos takes.

Katie, the nurse called me and told me I need to make sure I don’t wear any perfume or anything – so Travis and I will both need to shower again.  She said the embryos are 4bb’s  which means they would still fall into the “good” category. She said by the time I get to the office for the implantation they should be hatching, and they will give me a picture of them. I hope they take!

September 25, 2012

I just talked to Katie.  She told me how our embryos are doing – and they’re doing amazingly well!

All 10 have survived so far!  Yay!  They rate the embryos on a scale – Excellent-Good-Fair-Poor.  She said they rarely see Excellent embryos (we were told that in class too – so I don’t think she was just trying to make me feel good). But, we have 7 in the Good range, and 3 in the Fair range.  She said they are in the high end of Fair.  Wahoo!

So, this means on Thursday they will do the PGD testing, and then we will implant on Friday at 11:30!!!