Wednesday, January 16, 2013

October 8, 2012

I haven’t written anything since the Embryo Transfer because I wanted to just relax and not stress about the whole process.  I guess I should fill you in on everything.

The transfer went well. The embryos looked great – there were two and the embryologist said they were by far the best of the bunch and looked great.  The actual transfer took only 7 minutes. They gave me a valium so I could relax during the transfer – I’m sure glad they did because while it’s a short procedure – it’s kind of painful and stressful!

Afterward, they told me to relax for a day or two and then I could resume regular activities (as long as I wasn’t running or doing any high impact aerobics – looking at me obviously you can tell I’m super athletic… whatever).  And they told me to come back on the 9th for a pregnancy test! 

On Thursday, October 4th I had some spotting.  It was brownish and didn’t look at all like I was starting my period. I was told spotting would be normal, but I couldn’t help but Google spotting and what it looked like compared to having your period (* Word of advice – some things should not have pictures! That is one of them).  I read some stuff about how it could be the embryo implanting in my uterus, and decided not to worry about it.  I let Travis know I was spotting but that I wasn’t worried about it.

The following morning I started my period. I spent the entire time in the shower crying (it’s much easier to keep it from Travis if I’m doing it in the shower!) because I knew we weren’t pregnant. I had started my period and that was it.  I left for work and went up to Park City and cried during the entire drive up. I sat in the parking lot and gained my composure and called Katie at the clinic. I told her I had started my period and would need to cancel my appointment for the pregnancy test on Tuesday. She told me that in some rare cases, women have their periods through their entire pregnancy. She told me to come in on Monday instead for the test, but not to get my hopes up. 
I cried the entire drive down from Park City that afternoon. I told Travis before I left to go home from Park City.  We had our weekend the way we had planned and didn’t talk about it really, other than should we tell our families we did it, and when would we do it again?

This morning I went in for my pregnancy test – it was a quick blood test and they said they would call me around 5 and let me know the results. In my heart, I already know they’re negative. But I still haven’t adequately prepared for that result. I cried the entire way from the clinic to my office.
I am devastated!  There is no other way to say it, other than devastated! I know we haven’t been struggling with infertility as long as others – but that doesn’t make it any less painful. How I long to be a mother, to be pregnant, and to start a family with my husband. It kills me that we haven’t been able to do it so far!  

I guess from here – we do another consult with our doctor and review step by step our IVF experience. He can make recommendations from there. I guess now, we just start saving money again.  Hopefully we can do it after the New Year – but we will see.

For now, I am trying to keep my composure at work. I’m trying not to cry in front of people. Only a few people knew we were doing it – and it’s hard to have to tell them, oh it didn’t work.  But at the same time, I need that emotional support.  I am not looking forward to telling my family, but at the same time I am – it’s times like these when I feel like I need that support from my Mom. And yet, I know she can’t relate at all – she was able to have 5 babies in 4 pregnancies without having to have assistance. Ugh… this sucks worse than I ever imagined.  I’ll just have to keep myself busy until I have time to deal with the emotions and stress and inadequacies that come from this experience.

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