November 28, 2012

I haven’t written in over a month, I haven’t been able to.  As I told Travis the other day, I’m not okay.  I wasn’t overly emotional during the hormone treatments or anything – but since the negative, I’ve been extremely emotional. I cry much easier. I am devastated!  I continued to look for a therapist and still can’t find anyone who deals with fertility. 

I finally made a bunch of calls and found some that take my insurance, but I didn’t feel a connection with any of them.  Finally, I got a referral for a lady in the Cottonwood Heights area, who does therapy, but doesn’t take insurance.  In the two or three emails we exchanged, I felt comfortable with her. I felt like she was someone I could talk with. I asked Travis about the money part, and we decided we would make it work.  I have my first appointment with her this week.  It’s going to cost me $85 for the first session, and then it’s a sliding fee scale after that.  If she can help me feel like my old self, or a better self, and help me feel like I’m not a failure as a woman – Any amount of money I was asked to pay would be worth it.

We told our parents finally.  Actually, we told my parents last month. I sat at Magleby’s Fresh and talked with my mom about the experience, and I cried, and her eyes filled with tears. I could tell she was trying to be strong for me.  She asked if we would try IVF again, or move to adoption. I told her we plan on trying again… in March or April (depending on how much we owe for taxes – bleh). She said she wished they could help financially, but couldn’t because they had paid for biggest loser camp and dad’s new car all in cash this year.  I appreciated that she said that though.  It’s hard to come up with such a big amount of money… and to do it twice in 7 months is really hard too.  She said she would let my dad know, and said they loved us and would pray for us.  It was kind of a bonding experience.

Earlier this week, we told Travis’ parents. They were talking about being off their diets, and asked if we were still doing weight watchers. We said No because we had done IVF, and  they recommend you not do WW when you’re doing the IVF process, he mentioned it didn’t work – and his parents went right on to talk more about their diets.  Not a word about how we are doing with it, not a word about if we are doing it again, not a word about financing it, and not a word about their sorrow that it didn’t work… NOTHING!  I didn’t know how to react, so I didn’t. But the next morning while I was showering and Travis was shaving – I said to him, “Did you think your parents reaction to us doing IVF was weird?”  His response? “Yeah, totally weird, I don’t understand it.” We didn’t bring it up again, but then that evening his dad said, “Oh, we accidentally told Sara that you did IVF – so she knows now.”  I couldn’t respond, but I was FURIOUS!  They don’t say a word to us, but they tell his sister?! We haven’t even told my siblings, who we are MUCH closer to, than his siblings. And, if we were going to tell them, we would have rather had US tell them, than his parents.  I am trying not to be angry about it, but I can’t help but be mad.

So, where are we now? I have a therapy session on Friday morning. I am working on scheduling our post-ivf consultation appointment so we can see if there is anything else we need to do ahead of time, or if we just pay the money and start when it's time. I am excited to try again, but I'm nervous as well!  I really hope it works this time.